Completely Accurate DPS Security Report: April 1, 2013
4:45 a.m.: High winds advisory. HoyAlert dispatched via text message, phone call, and email.
10:22 a.m.: Suspicious person seen on campus. Caucasian, average height, mid thirties to sixties, dark hair, glasses, wearing a tweed blazer and carrying suspicious stacks of papers. HoyAlert warning dispatched to entire campus.
2:38 p.m.: Black mail spotted with gun on roof of Gewirz. Campus locked down.
2:39 p.m.: Post investigation, person on roof found to be white, female, and a professor, holding a cell phone. Professor sternly warned.
5:16 p.m.: Shots fired on sidewalk adjoining campus. Two hurt. Easily recognizable suspect seen driving an easily recognizable van, circling immediate neighborhood around campus. Suspect presumably still armed.
5:20 p.m.: D.C. metro police arrived. Students on scene warned to “just walk around it, thanks.”
8:01 p.m.: Email sent to students with description of shooting, and also next week’s weather forecast and lucky lotto numbers.
9:39 p.m.: Student is victim of attempted mugging on corner of New Jersey and H St. Attempted muggers surrounded student on bicycles and hit student with umbrella. (This actually happened.)
11:07 p.m.: Suspicious package found in Gewirz package room.
11:14 p.m.: Suspicious package found in Sport & Fitness men’s locker room.
(Happy April Fool’s Day! Love, Law Weekly.)