Kosmos’ Health Advice

Dear Kosmos,

Q: How do you stay motivated to go to the gym and work out?

        That’s an easy question. I go in search of my next hot date. People love to see their partners toned up and ready to go. I just rob some shiny oil on my body, and once I see a potential hot date coming, I jump on a treadmill, and that’s my exercise for the day. Pretty swell.

Q: How can I stay awake?

     You should get enough sleep. But if that is not possible, I would recommend drinking 5 cups of coffee a day, 3 bottles of Five-Hour Energy, and 4 cups of anything else that contains caffeine. You won’t be able to go to sleep for a while, and you will have time to study and socialize with people.

Q: I try to cook my own food so as to save money, but I despise what I make. Any suggestions?

         That’s pretty easy. Get a recipe book and follow directions. However, I have heard that there are people who have an aversion to being near the kitchen or making anything. If you are that type of person, you should make close friends with people who cook so that you can always visit them for free food. Don’t forget that there are lots of free food events, and you can sign up for the “freefoodlistserv.”

Q: How do I keep my concentration without taking drugs?

    Well you probably should sleep more, but I have heard that soaking your feet in ice cold water will definitely keep you awake. You can try that.  If that is not enough, studying in a cold room and trying to avoid thinking of the cold will help you concentrate more.

 

Where Do You Find Meaning?

1. Within the fortune cookie at your favorite Asian restaurant. If you wanted luck, this would be a good choice. But if you are seeking answers, a fortune picked at random by a total stranger would not be the answer.

2. A fortune teller. You may be able to divine the path of your soul from their predictions. But be aware that they tell the same thing to everyone that can pay their fees.

3. Philosophy. It can help you gain knowledge and understand of the meaning of life for others, but you may go raving mad to the point of losing it.

4. The rising sun. It can be a motivation to start life anew, but don’t become a roasted potato.

5. Music. If you can find your life’s meaning in music, then you can be swayed by anyone with a good voice and inspirational words. A con-artist, maybe?

6. Food and coffee. Sounds like you are just hungry.

7. Friends. Not all friends are good. Don’t try to find your meaning from bad friends or you may just end up behind bars.

8. Relationships. It’s best to already know yourself before starting a relationship or you will end up being led by the nose by your partner.

9. School. With the money you spend, you will find your life’s path, whether it’s as a lawyer or Walmart cashier.

10. Remember, however, that you can find the meaning of your life in odd places. See the picture below.

 

Surprising Retirement Plans of Georgetown Faculty

      Have you ever wondered what professors and deans would like to do upon retirement? I interviewed Professor Jane Aiken, Director of the Community Justice Project, Andrew Cornblatt, Dean of Admissions at the Law Center, and Professor David Cole to find out.

      As I prepared to interview Jane Aiken on what her future retirement plans were, I thought she would tell me any one of the standard answers—write a book, travel the globe, speak at different schools or work for the government. I never expected her answer.  She told me that it had always been her life long dream to be a farmer in Tennessee. Tennessee!! Growing up, she was exposed to family members who either were farmers or knew farmers. She grew up being aware of the growing decrease in farmers, and she wanted to contribute. However, to actually be a famer was not a line of business welcomed in her family. Her parents and older siblings had all completed graduate school, and she was expected to do the same. So according to her, “since I had a second passion for the law, I went to law school and obtained my JD. But because of debt, I had to start practicing law.”

But when I asked her why she didn’t drop out after she paid her debt, she laughed and said, “As I gained more fame as a lawyer, it was difficult to just throw in the towel and start digging the earth. I was forced to keep going. I don’t know why, but I felt that I had to keep going.” I guess that when she eventually retires, there is no need to keep going for her. She wants to rekindle her childhood dream. She plans to move to Tennessee after 2 years of retirement and take up farming. Asked whether she would not feel out of place or ashamed, she said, “I know a lot of professors in different schools or people in government or other blue collar jobs who, after retirement, have done something that no one would expect. For example, the senator who did Dancing With the Stars, so I am no different.”

     I also talked to Andrew Cornblatt, Dean of Student Admissions. His goal upon retirement was not to rekindle his second passion but to continue working with students like he always has. Apparently, his best memories are of his time spent at Camp Anawana, so he wants to volunteer at a camp. I asked him whether he could handle the daily affairs of the camp, and he laughed and said, “I will have people running the camp; I only want to open a camp for children.” I don’t think it is right to make fun of peoples’ retirement dreams, but I wonder if he has considered the liability from potential lawsuits. But if camp is what he wants, then he has every right to see his dream come through.

      I could practically predict Professor Cole’s answer.  He was my criminal procedure professor during my first year. I also knew he had worked for the Constitutional Project and was extremely pro-defense, so I wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary. So when I asked him what he wanted to do, he said he would like to educate “prisoners and susceptible neighborhoods about their legal rights so that the police could not abuse them.” What a typical answer. Nevertheless, I wasn’t going to accept it, so I pushed him to think about what he would do if the world was coming to an end tomorrow. He said, “I want law and order.” I gave up.  It was truly interesting to hear what professors and deans planned to do upon retirement. I guess there is no set track.  

 

(Happy April Fool’s! Love, Law Weekly.)

Cloud 9’s hidden secrets

About twenty minutes into the first act of Cloud 9, one character asks another, “Shall we go in the barn for a f**k? It’s not an order.” At that moment, a light bulb went off over the audience’s collective head. Oh, this is the play we’re watching.

You certainly wouldn’t have been bored this weekend at the Georgetown Gilbert and Sullivan Society’s production of Caryl Churchill’s 1979 farce, which explores how gender roles created and enforced through centuries of patriarchy inform gender politics in the late 1970s London.

The play’s structure is both simpleand bizarre. The first act centers on a patriarchal family living in British-controlled Africa in 1880. The second act follows the children of the same family 25 years later but now in London in 1980. Despite unexplained time jumps, the play is very entertaining and ably performed, using deadpan deliveries in absurd situations to great effect. (“Hello? Who is it? We’re having an orgy.”) Even more entertaining, the casting is superb.

JR Lentini, a big, 30-year-old guy, plays the unbridled, incoherent family patriarch in the first act and an unbridled, incoherent 3-year-old girl in the second act. Laura Maul is fantastic as Edward in the first act, a young boy who would rather play with his sister’s doll than apprentice with his father, and who is eager to be abused again by the famous explorer who visits the family. Tyler Clemons plays older Edward in the second act as a gay man looking to be a wife, after spending the first act playing Edward’s mother. Jessie LaGoy brings a perfect amount of naïveté to the role of Victoria (who was played by a doll in the first act).

Unfortunately, the play’s themes fall utterly flat. First, the play is heavy-handed and self-congratulatory. Cloud 9 literally ends (spoiler alert, I guess) with old Betty hugging young Betty despite the insulting heckles of her mother and her husband. The depictions of different types of sexual behavior come across less like boundary-crossing explorations and more like checking off a list (Straight sex? Check. Gay sex? Check. Lesbian sex? Check. Adultery? Check. Polyamory? Check. Incest? Check. Pedophilia? Check.).

 

More problematic still is the lack of tension. For a show so impressed with its own breaking down of barriers, the stakes are shockingly low. The only two people in the play who seem to dislike each other are Victoria’s passive-aggressive girlfriend and Victoria’s passive-aggressive husband (who manages to be unsympathetic even as he’s being cuckolded). A murder at the end of the first act felt more like a nod to the end of patriarchy than the product of an actual discord between the characters.

My dissatisfaction with the play’s lack of profundity may merely be a product of living 30 years in the future. What was considered to be radical gender politics in 1979 is simple normality today.

With that said, however, the play is still plenty weird and sometimes disturbing, with a horrifically awkward chanting orgy scene and implications that young Edward enjoyed being molested. Furthermore, Cloud 9 is a comedy and criticizing it for failing to land its thematic punches is a bit like complaining that “Anchorman” wasn’t a cogent critique of 1970s broadcast journalism.

Ultimately, while Cloud 9 isn’t mind-blowing or world-shattering, GGSS and the eminently capable cast and production crew (including Director Jonathan Zucker and Producer Davia Craumer) should be congratulated on presenting a humorous, entertaining night at the  theater.

 

by Kevin Scura, 2L

Keepin’ it real with K-Scurz: advice on flirting via text message (or not)

Dear Law Weekly,

I met a girl this weekend and scored her digits. We’ve been exchanging flirty text messages, but I have no idea what I’m doing. How do I convey sarcasm? When do I use an exclamation point instead of a period? Should I ever include an emoticon? How long should I wait before asking for a date? Is it okay to ask via text message or do I have to place an actual real-life phone call?

All help appreciated,

 Out of My Depth

 

Dear Out of My Depth,

First of all, it may be time to update your slang. “Scored her digits”? Maybe I missed the memo, but I’m pretty sure 2003 isn’t cool again, at least not yet. As for flirting advice, you clearly came to the right place. As a law student who writes for the humor section of the student newspaper, I obviously have excellent social acumen and extensive dating experience, making me one of the world’s foremost experts on text-message flirting.

Conveying sarcasm in a text message is extremely difficult. Those of us with excellent dry senses of humor  are conveyed to a life of dismal disappointment,  unable to share our innumerable  enlightening insights via text or twitter. Oh, the agony. Tip: ask yourself what you would think if you received the text from her. She still might not get it, but if she expresses confusion, you can always offer to clarify things over coffee or drinks.

Exclamation points are tough. Selective use can lend your texts anappropriately fun, bouncy tone. But overuse them and you risk coming across as an obsessive, clingy attention hog or worse: bad at grammar. Rule of thumb: exclamation points go great with compliments and expressing enthusiasm for an opportunity to meet with the object of your affection. Otherwise, it’s probably best to leave them alone.

If you are male, you should never use emoticons. Ever. Period. End of story. No discussion. Unless you have a thing you have to be at for work and you can’t make it Wednesday night. If you are female, feel free to use them whenever it strikes your fancy. It’s cute and funny, and guys who want to use emoticons but won’t do it out of a desire to seem tough and manly will be able to live vicariously through your emoticon use.

The traditional waiting period is the Jesus rule: Jesus rose from the deadon the third day, so you should ask for a date on the third day. Jesus died on Friday night; you probably met her on Friday night. Jesus spent Saturday building suspense/observing the Jewish Sabbath. You spend Saturday building suspense/trying to play it somewhat cool. Then, as savior of all mankind, Jesus rose from the dead on Sunday, rescuing humanity from eternal torment. Then, as a guy she might not mind eating a free meal with, you ask her for a date on Sunday, rescuing her from a Wednesday night spent watching The West Wing reruns on Netflix. But really whenever is fine.

As a straight male, if a girl I wanted to go on a date with asked me out I would say yes, whether it was via text message, email, Facebook message, Twitter message, snail mail, telegram, carrier pigeon, skywriting, personal herald, GChat, clues hidden in newspaper articles, winking in morse code, posters hung up around campus, posters hung up around the Mall, Super Bowl commercial, Fall Out Boy lyric quotes, Bible verse quotes, Ray Lewis quotes (on second thought, not Ray Lewis quotes), hologram, Skype, message in a bottle, ansible, or phone call.

But perhaps we need a female perspective on this? Send your comments or suggestions to kevin.scura@gulawweekly.org.

 

by Kevin Scura, 2L

Top Ten Books to Read on Halloween, in order of how good they are

Top ten this week by Sue Yerpantzoff.
Editor’s Note: Sue Yerpantzoff’s judgments about literary quality do not reflect the judgments of the Law Weekly, or even the Law Weekly’s humor section. Sue, you’re on your own.
  1. The second Twilight book
  2. Twilight
  3. The third Twilight book
  4. The fourth Twilight book
  5. Twilight: the Short Second Life of Bree Tanner, the novella that Stephenie Meyer wrote after the series.  Actually, you can skip that one.  Read Fifty Shades of Grey, a book that started out as Twilight fan-fiction, or Midnight Sun, the beginning of Stephenie Meyer’s retelling of Twilight from Edward’s point of view (that guy is peeeeeeeeervyyyyy—if this doesn’t spook you on Halloween, I don’t know what will).
  6. The Host, by the author of Twilight
  7. Any of the books from the Goosebumps series
  8. Anything by Stephen King
  9. Your torts casebook (read any case involving an allegedly defective saw)
  10. An Inconvenient Truth (making the list due to pure scariness)

My Life as a Notre Dame Fan

Notre Dame senior linebacker Manti Te’o. Courtesy of Neon Tommy’s photostream on Flickr.com.I have two reasons for rooting for Notre Dame football. First, I’m Catholic. Second, I grew up watching Notre Dame football with my dad on Saturdays, and it’s something that means a lot to both of us, something that we’re always able to share no matter what else is happening. Like I said, I’m Catholic.

Sometimes it’s rough being a Notre Dame fan. Essentially, you get abused for being a frontrunner, without the benefit of your team actually running in front. Not only has the program not won a national title since 1988 or been in serious contention since 1993, but the sports media loves piling on when Notre Dame is bad. Whenever Notre Dame has a bad season (i.e., isn’t in the hunt for a national championship; so every since for the past 19) you can count on a handful of columns opining about how Notre Dame isn’t relevant any more, and possibly a Saturday Night Live sketch or two lampooning the program’s exclusive television contract with NBC.

That’s why this season has been so fantastic: it was unexpected. Year three of the Brian Kelly era could easily have been a disaster. Year three has not been kind to recent Notre Dame coaches. Bob Davie went 5-7, Tyrone Willingham went 6-5, and Charlie Weis went 3-9. Furthermore, coming in to the year, the team’s schedule looked so tough that it was entirely conceivable that even if the Irish were good, they might do no better than 7-6 or 8-5.

Instead, Notre Dame, largely carried by its defense, has been excellent this year. Starting with a blitzing of Navy 50-10 in Dublin, Ireland to open the season, the Fighting Irish have consistently impressed. After grinding out an ugly 20-17 win over Purdue came the Irish’s first real test: a road game at 10th-ranked Michigan State. Led by senior linebacker Manti Te’o, who played despite the deaths earlier in the week of both his grandmother and his girlfriend, Notre Dame dominated a supposedly superior team 20-3.

Te’o, the Heisman Trophy candidate inside linebacker, is the beating heart of this Notre Dame team. His five interceptions, two sacks, and approximately three bajillion tackles do little to measure his impact. The Mormon/Native Hawaiian is universally popular with the coaching staff, teammates, and the student body at large. Stories about him take on a mythic quality. When it was announced this year that for the first time Notre Dame’s captains would wear a “C” on their jersey, not only was there no doubt that Te’o would receive the honor, there was widespread speculation that the decision was made specifically with Te’o in mind. Supposedly, whenever Te’o is eating in the cafeteria and sees someone sitting alone, he will invite the individual to sit with him. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Manti Te’o.

After Michigan State, Notre Dame beat rival Michigan 13-6 in a rough-and-tumble throwback of a football game. They then steamrolled Miami at Soldier Field in Chicago, in preparation for 17th ranked Stanford, who had utterly waxed the Irish a year earlier in Palo Alto. The Irish would pull out the win in over time, 20-13, thanks to a goal line stand in which Notre Dame stopped Stanford four plays in a row inside Notre Dame’s own four yard line (with an assist from a possibly early whistle on the final play). The Irish even managed to avoid the classic “trap game,” beating BYU 17-14 after trailing for much of the game.

Notre Dame’s success is even more remarkable when you consider their coaching and quarterback situations. Kelly, came to Notre Dame with a  reputation for running an unstoppable spread offense predicated on excellent quarterback play. This Notre Dame team has, instead, succeeded in the trenches, playing with a borderline quarterback controversy. Tommy Rees, last year’s interception-prone starter, was suspended for the first game of the season, and the starting job went to redshirt freshman Everett Golson. Golson, however, stumbled against Purdue, and Rees came off the bench to engineer a game-winning drive. Golson has remained the preferred choice, and has played better overall, coupling a strong arm with an ability to run the ball. But Rees has played a lot, engineering another winning drive against Stanford, starting the Miami game, and even playing the whole BYU game while Golson sat out with a concussion.

Even with the success they’ve had this year, I expected Notre Dame to lose to Oklahoma this past weekend. The oddsmakers did as well, putting Oklahoma at 12 point favorites despite Notre Dame’s unblemished record. Apparently no one told Te’o and the Irish defense. They bent but did not break, surrendering 376 passing yards but only one touchdown and two field goals. Golson played every snap for the first time since the season opener, and he and the offense did more than enough: putting 30 points on the board without turning it over. Notre Dame didn’t just win, they won by 17.

It is the Irish’s most important win in decades. For the first time in almost 20 years, Notre Dame matters. The vitriolic columns and sarcastic fake commercials are gone. It is quite possible that Notre Dame will lose to Pittsburgh this weekend or Boston College the next, and it is perhaps likely that they will lose to at archrival USC in the last game of the season (I almost didn’t write this column for fear I would jinx them). The rest of the season, though, is just icing on the proverbial cake. The games are important again, and that’s all this Notre Dame can ask for. 

“Argo”: Affleck and America, getting it right

Ben Affleck schools the “houseguests” on their backstories in his new movie, “Argo.” Photo courtesy of Warner Brothers promotional photographsSince “Argo” is based on a true story that happened more than 30 years ago, this review contains mild spoilers.

“Argo” sits precisely in the movie-snobbery sweet spot. Depending on your perspective, it’s either a film for thriller fans or a thriller for film snobs. Your response to it will be dictated by your predilections and your expectations. If you expect a self-serious Oscar contender, you may be surprised at the light-hearted dialogue during the film’s Hollywood interlude or the measures taken to increase tension in the climactic scenes. If, on the other hand, you expect rip-roaring thrill ride of a secret agent movie, you might be disappointed by the deliberate pacing or lack of death-defying gun battles.

The movie chronicles the CIA’s efforts to extract six American state department employees in Iran who managed to escape the American embassy just before it was stormed. The movie opens with the storming of the embassy, many of the shots essentially recreated from contemporary news footage. Much of the sequence operates without music, and the honest filmmaking lends the movie its visceral feel, resonating even stronger in light of recent events in Libya. “Argo” proceeds to follow Affleck as the CIA agent who comes up with the plan to bring them out of the country disguised as a Canadian film crew scouting locations for a new science fiction movie. Perhaps the best part of the movie is Affleck’s trip to Hollywood to create sufficient infrastructure surrounding his fake movie that it will hold up to potential Iranian investigation.

“Argo” is Ben Affleck’s third directorial effort, and it finds him both fitting deeper into his niche and finally standing out. His previous films, “Gone Baby Gone” and “The Town,” also straddled the line between serious filmmaking and crowd-pleasing entertainment. All three are deliberate portrayals of flawed protagonists in prototypical movie scenarios – the crime drama, the heist movie, and now the espionage thriller. His movies are smartly written, well-acted and muscularly directed (have you seen his chest? Dude works out). Still, Affleck mostly avoids the pitfalls that can ensnare “serious filmmakers.” Self-importance, excessive cleverness, and extended periods of abstraction are nowhere to be found. Affleck simply tells his story, and lets the audience do the rest.

It’s a type of filmmaking too often absent in Hollywood right now. Most recent Hollywood movies fit into one of two categories: the lowest common denominator franchise tentpole, and the romantic comedy that is neither romantic nor comedic. This trend is driven, of course, by economics. It takes energy, effort, and, most importantly, money to develop new ideas and scenarios into movies. It’s a much safer bet for studios to spend their money on established, brand-name properties: “Batman,” “Harry Potter,” “Twilight,” “Spider-Man,” etc. And romantic comedies are a staple for good reason: hire an up-and-coming comedian and a fresh-faced ingénue, buy the cheapest script off the “romantic comedy” pile, shoot in Toronto, and release it the weekend before Valentine’s Day: spend $20 million, take in $25 million the first weekend at the box office. Think about the demographics: two of the biggest groups of moviegoers are teenage boys (of all ages and genders, a group that will, importantly, see movies more than once in the theater), and couples on dates.

All of this has pushed the task of making everything else onto independent studios. In some ways this is great: digital cameras and the general advance of technology have lowered the price of making a movie, and, with the industry not controlled by an insular group of studio executives, decisions about what gets funding can be made on the basis of merit instead of connections. The indie industry, however, often fails to connect the best talent to the best scripts, hence the exodus of many “name” stars to cable television – if you want studio money behind an ambitious project, the place to be is HBO, AMC, or Showtime. All of this emphasizes Affleck’s importance: as an insider and a “name,” he himself has the clout to bring the best actors to the script. It shows in the depth of cast: Affleck himself, Bryan Cranston, Alan Arkin, John Goodman, and Kyle Chandler (Coach from “Friday Night Lights”).

Arkin in particular is fantastic as a big-shot producer that Goodman and Affleck hire to make their fake movie for their fake studio. Without ever talking about it, you feel in each scene how grateful and excited Arkin is to be doing something more than bullying studio executives making profitable movies.

There are two problems with the movie. First, and more minor, is Affleck the actor. Beyond the weirdness of him casting himself as the coolest guy in the room (although I guess he probably is often the coolest guy in the room), a storyline involving his estrangement from his wife, seemingly intended to humanize Affleck’s CIA agent, undermines his aura of confidence and seems at odds with the otherwise lean and focused film.

The second and more serious problem has to do with the film’s climax. It adds a few Hollywood embellishments to its already incredible real-life story, cheapening the tension the movie has built so well and faithfully towards. In particular, a tarmac chase seemingly stolen from “Liar, Liar” feels out of place in what should be the movie’s triumphant moment.

The problem is more glaring as a result of Affleck’s otherwise scrupulous attention to detail. In fact, the movie is one we as law students should especially appreciate, as it is an ode to detail. Much of the movie is spent building up the backstory of the Canadian film crew, and Affleck spends a good deal of time explaining how important knowing that backstory is. When one character pronounces the “t” in her fake home town of “Toronto,” she is surprised when Affleck tells her Canadians don’t pronounce the “t.” “Will they even know that?” she asks.

“Yes,” Affleck responds. “If they suspect you’re an American, they will bring in someone who knows that.” That attention to detail carries over to the filmmaking itself. The opening credits feature a shortened version of the history of Iran leading up to the hostage crisis, and the closing credits demonstrate that many of the actors look similar to their real-life counterparts.

Ultimately, though, in a bitter election season characterized mostly by presidential candidates arguing over whose fault it is that everything’s so bad, “Argo” is a nice reminder that America does get it right sometimes.

Kevin Keeps it Real: Advice for Law Students

Dear Law Weekly,

I’m looking for help determining which presidential candidate deserves my vote this November. However, I’m trying to make my decision based exclusively on negative campaign advertising. I’m just nuts for sarcastic voiceovers and unflattering black and white photographs. Also, if any policy analysis takes longer than 30 seconds, I’m simply not interested. All advice appreciated, thanks for your help.

- Undecided

Great question, Undecided. Negative advertisements clearly identify the four most important issues in this campaign.

He moved your job offshore, threw your health insurance in the garbage, and gave your wife cancer. Photo courtesy of unluckydecisions’ tumblr blog.First, did Bain Capital outsource American jobs? Yes. It also took away people’s health insurance right before their wives got cancer. And Mitt Romney was there the whole time and lied about it later. Unless there’s some sort of difference between owning a company and running a company. 

He took your job, and she took your kids’ lunch. Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

Second, did President Obama explode the deficit? Indubitably, The deficit has increased to $16 trillion under President Obama and it’s all his fault. Liberal lending policies, banking deregulation, and starting two wars while lowering taxes had nothing to do with it. Failed stimulus! Obamacare!

Next, how much money did Romney pay in taxes? Not nearly enough. It’s not like he gives a great deal of money to charity, or has dedicated a large portion of his life to public service. And we certainly don’t want someone with a working knowledge of money management or the tax code in the White House. Tax the rich! Offshore accounts! Romney has a terrible singing voice!

Finally, has Obama taken all of  your jobs? Yes. Personally. He rides around on Air Force One going to offices and factories and firing people like George Clooney in “Up in the Air.” Forty-three straight months with unemployment above eight percent, more than the last eleven presidents combined, and that doesn’t even count the millions of people who have left the work force. The unemployment definitely isn’t the result of the largest financial crisis in eight decades, or the growing pains of switching from an agriculture and manufacturing economy to an information and service economy. It’s one hundred percent Obama’s fault. If a Republican is elected, everyone will be able to afford a two-story house and a white picket fence on a factory job that they got with a high school diploma. ‘Merica!

Negative Advertising: Joining with Gerrymandering to provide the foundation for America’s future.

Top Ten Profession that Need Replacement Refs to Sub for Them So They will be Appreciated

What is this strange piece of yellow fabric? Photo courtesy of compujeramey’s photostream on flickr.com.10. DJs. Replacement Refs don’t have iPods, right?

9. Late night college campus shuttle service drivers. The driving is easy, it’s not punching the drunken students that’s hard.

8. Members of Congress. Actually, I just want to replace the Members of Congress. At press time, the Vegas line had replacement refs favored by 1.5 legislative achievements over the current Congress. Of course, the bills changed personal fouls to 27 yards and instituted “Golden Tate Day” as a national holiday.

7. Bass players. They tell me it’s harder than it looks.

6. Trash collectors. Although, they should just threaten to strike all the time. How long would it take after they stopped collecting trash before everyone volunteered to pay more taxes to end the strike? Trash collectors could all be millionaires.

5. Dentists. And to think, you hate going to the dentist now.

4. Student newspaper humor editors.

3. Law professors. Sometimes they’re annoying, sometimes they’re scary, but it would be worse if you took Torts from two guys in striped shirts who couldn’t agree what the “B” stands for in “BPL.”

2. New Jersey full-service gas station attendants. Do you have any idea what kind of chaos would ensue if we allowed just anyone to pump gas?

1. Attorneys. Everyone hates us. But imagine the justice system if all lawyers and judges were incompetent. The part with the most money would win every time! Wouldn’t that be ridiculous?