DPS Security Report: April 1, 2013

A lineup of the usual suspects, all of whom the Law Weekly considers famous enough to be public figures.

Completely Accurate DPS Security Report: April 1, 2013

4:45 a.m.: High winds advisory. HoyAlert dispatched via text message, phone call, and email.

10:22 a.m.: Suspicious person seen on campus. Caucasian, average height, mid thirties to sixties, dark hair, glasses, wearing a tweed blazer and carrying suspicious stacks of papers. HoyAlert warning dispatched to entire campus.

2:38 p.m.: Black mail spotted with gun on roof of Gewirz. Campus locked down.

2:39 p.m.: Post investigation, person on roof found to be white, female, and a professor, holding a cell phone. Professor sternly warned.

5:16 p.m.: Shots fired on sidewalk adjoining campus. Two hurt. Easily recognizable suspect seen driving an easily recognizable van, circling immediate neighborhood around campus. Suspect presumably still armed.

5:20 p.m.: D.C. metro police arrived. Students on scene warned to “just walk around it, thanks.”

8:01 p.m.: Email sent to students with description of shooting, and also next week’s weather forecast and lucky lotto numbers.

9:39 p.m.: Student is victim of attempted mugging on corner of New Jersey and H St. Attempted muggers surrounded student on bicycles and hit student with umbrella. (This actually happened.)

11:07 p.m.: Suspicious package found in Gewirz package room.

11:14 p.m.: Suspicious package found in Sport & Fitness men’s locker room.


(Happy April Fool’s Day! Love, Law Weekly.)

Georgetown University Law Center announces it will enroll one million students in Fall 2013

In an unprecedented move, Georgetown Law will become the first American law school to pass the one million student mark for the 2013-2014 school year. At a time when most law schools in America are making cuts to their classes, Georgetown’s highest administrators announced today that they are taking the opposite direction.

“We feel that America needs more Georgetown lawyers,” said Dean William Treanor, when asked for comment. “We are aware of that current employment prospects are rather dim, but we don’t see that lasting for very long,” Treanor continued. Georgetown has been criticized in the past for its extremely large class sizes in light of the current economy.

The decision to expand the class size by roughly 200,000 percent came as a surprise to many. “I don’t agree with class sizes any larger than 900,000,” opined Dean of Admissions Andrew Cornblatt. “This seems excessive to me, as I have always felt that a more reasonable class size of 500,000 students would keep Georgetown competitive. I disagree fundamentally with Bill on this.”

When asked for their opinions, several students had such comments as “I don’t know who you are,” and “Get away from me, 1L.” Clearly, public opinion is against such a dramatic move.

However, the move has been lauded by some professors. Naomi Mezey, recently awarded Teacher of the Year, had the following to say: “I’ve always felt that throwing more and more lawyers at the market would eventually solve most, if not all, of our problems.”