After close SBA runoff, New Couch in McDonough is Day Vice President

Students’ voices heard. New Couch in McDonough smiles benevolently in new position as SBA Day Vice President.The seating arrangement “New Couch” has won the Student Bar Association Day Division position of Vice President in a close election runoff against Morgan Freeman.

The election began with a pool of various candidates, all with different visions for Georgetown University Law Center. Mickey Mouse claimed he would clean up the school with a lively broom, and the Yellow Teletubby exclaimed: “laa laa,” and nobody knew what this meant. 

Morgan Freeman gave a lengthy speech, enumerating the lengths he would go to to serve the Law Center. “For twenty days and twenty nights, the Emperor Penguin will march to a place so extreme, it supports no other life. In the harshest place on earth, love finds a way. For Georgetown, I will lead the way,” he said.  

Despite these various positions, it was New Couch who caught the voters’ attention. 

New Couch promised to be comfortable in the role: soft enough to conform to school rules and firm enough to stay steady in its convictions. “I will fill the vacant seat of authority at the school, and you can rest on me when you are in need,” Couch told the voters. 

After the first round of elections, New Couch and Morgan Freeman were in a dead heat. The SBA called for a runoff election between the two candidates to determine who would be the next SBA Day Division Vice President. 

The runoff election got tense as the mudslinging began. In a heated debate only days before the runoff, Morgan Freeman called the sofa a “La-Z-Boy” who would “do nothing for the student community but sit around.” He also accused the new couch of being “nothing but a love seat,” not nearly wide enough to accommodate the interests of more than two people at a time. Freeman believes this is simply not enough for the Georgetown Law Community. 

New Couch responded that “while Morgan Freeman may have the voice of an authoritative angel, he lacks substance.” New Couch pleaded with the voters to not be distracted by the dulcet tones of Freeman’s voice – but to recognize that his speech merely consisted of excerpts from March of the Penguins. “He has no platform, and I do,” Couch claimed. “Do not be fooled by his empty words.”  

New Couch won by only two votes. When interviewed, a law student who voted for New Couch expressed her hopes for the upcoming school year. “Like, I don’t ask for that much, just a couch to sit on,” she confessed. 

by Alexa Tsakopoulos, 1L 

 

Finals now set to begin next week

Officials at the Georgetown University Law Center voted to hold final exams starting in April this year instead of May for budgetary reasons. All exams will be held at the same dates and times, a month prior to the original dates. 

This change is cost-effective because it cuts out an additional month’s worth of professors’ salaries and other expenses needed to maintain daily campus activities. The school plans to use the money to support a new Madonna Monday initiative to help reduce stress levels on campus.

Due to the overwhelming popularity of Wednesday Wind Down, Georgetown Law officials have been looking to expand upon weekly offerings.  The ‘80s theme for the upcoming Equal Justice Foundation auction provided the much needed inspiration for the task force. Dean Mitchell Bailin explained the decision in an exclusive interview with Law Weekly staff.  “Madonna Mondays will promote inclusiveness on campus. Additionally, studies have shown that music improves brain function.
Officials at the Georgetown University Law Center voted to hold final exams starting in April this year instead of May for budgetary reasons. All exams will be held at the same dates and times, a month prior to the original dates. This change is cost-effective because it cuts out an additional month’s worth of professors’ salaries and other expenses needed to maintain daily campus activities. The school plans to use the money to support a new Madonna Monday initiative to help reduce stress levels on campus.
Due to the overwhelming popularity of Wednesday Wind Down, Georgetown Law officials have been looking to expand upon weekly offerings.  The ‘80s theme for the upcoming Equal Justice Foundation auction provided the much needed inspiration for the task force. Dean Mitchell Bailin explained the decision in an exclusive interview with Law Weekly staff. “Madonna Mondays will promote inclusiveness on campus. Additionally, studies have shown that music improves brain function and dancing has essential cardio vascular benefits while providing an outlet for the stress and anxiety that is prevalent in law school,” said Bailin confidently.
Licensing Madonna’s music, scheduling aerobics classes at the Sport and Fitness Center, and ordering clothes that students can wear for Madonna Monday exhausted the school’s supplemental funding and a sizeable portion of other funds, including scholarships, necessitating a shorter second semester. The Student Bar Association, while at first hesitant about the idea was won over by the presentation given by the Task Force led by Dean William Treanor.  
“When we saw and felt the sheer joy of seeing Dean Treanor vogue we were sold. Sometimes law students just need to blow off some steam and not take themselves too seriously,” noted SBA Vice President New Sofa.  The SBA is confident that the student body will also become enthusiastic   supporters of the change.  

The decision to hold finals in April will undoubtedly leave some students concerned.  It will be left to the discretion of professors to hold students accountable for their entire syllabuses. In some cases students may find themselves responsible for less material. 

Professor Elizabeth Ewert, Director of Academic Enhancement Programs, added that “while moving finals up may increase student anxiety, we are confident that the effects will be mitigated by the power of Madonna’s upbeat and empowering message and the extended summer break should allow for increased relaxation.”  

Furthermore, Madonna Mondays are expected to boost applications to the Law Center.  It is the first program of its kind at any law school in the country.  The novelty of a weekly dance party will undoubtedly appeal to the discerning members of the class of 2017.  A poll of current college third-years confirmed the theory, who listed ‘80s theme parties as one of the their favorite activities.

Both SBA and the Office of the Dean of Students have opened their doors to student comments.

 

 by Hayley Webster, 1L

 

Georgetown University Law Center announces it will enroll one million students in Fall 2013

In an unprecedented move, Georgetown Law will become the first American law school to pass the one million student mark for the 2013-2014 school year. At a time when most law schools in America are making cuts to their classes, Georgetown’s highest administrators announced today that they are taking the opposite direction.

“We feel that America needs more Georgetown lawyers,” said Dean William Treanor, when asked for comment. “We are aware of that current employment prospects are rather dim, but we don’t see that lasting for very long,” Treanor continued. Georgetown has been criticized in the past for its extremely large class sizes in light of the current economy.

The decision to expand the class size by roughly 200,000 percent came as a surprise to many. “I don’t agree with class sizes any larger than 900,000,” opined Dean of Admissions Andrew Cornblatt. “This seems excessive to me, as I have always felt that a more reasonable class size of 500,000 students would keep Georgetown competitive. I disagree fundamentally with Bill on this.”

When asked for their opinions, several students had such comments as “I don’t know who you are,” and “Get away from me, 1L.” Clearly, public opinion is against such a dramatic move.

However, the move has been lauded by some professors. Naomi Mezey, recently awarded Teacher of the Year, had the following to say: “I’ve always felt that throwing more and more lawyers at the market would eventually solve most, if not all, of our problems.”